The D.C. Chronicles are recountings of my times in the District of Columbia. Whenever, I'm in town, I never cease to enjoy myself or have some random experiences that absolutely redefine my life for the time being. These won't be so much blog post as stories of one half of the Diabolical Duo.



DC Chronicles - The Yaris
Saturday, February 28, 2009

Alright, this is going to be a short entry because its pretty cut and dry; however, I thought it needed its own place in the Chronicles. By the way, to the groupies and lovers out there who wait with bated breath for the installments of the chronicles, I will be doing Gate Chronicles, so no worries.

When I last left off a couple weeks ago, I told you how this guy sat next to me at the bar, and I said to him, "Hello, I'm not hitting on you, but I just want to know your name." Now, of course, I was hitting him, but I had no expectations of the night. Here's the thing, in my drunken stupor, he looked like Noah from Noah's Arc (just his build, his hair, his skin tone, his voice, and other factors), so I couldn't pass up the opportunity. So he turned to me slowly and was like hey, well my name is .... (to be completely honest, I was kinda on the verge of goneness and it was loud in that bar, so I had no idea what he said; especially, since it was a "hood", and I don't do well with those; all I know is that it started with D and ended with a té), so its been awhile so I don't remember specific, but we seemed to talk for hours (it prolly wasn't that long, but I know I couldn't focus on anyone but him, not even the lil' nugget steady staring at me across the bar). We talked about school and worked, and since I had some extra money 'cause I had drinks bought for me all night, I bought him a cranberry and vod, and he started talking some bullsh*t like "oh I never drink like this, I hope you aren't tryna get me drunk", I replied, "thats exactly what I'm doing." And he laughed not knowing that it wasn't a joke or maybe it was (Most of my friends know my humor style, I'll say something that sounds like joke, but I'll be totally honest, and since most people aren't used to honesty they think I'm joking... I'm not). So I was like let me get your number, and this dude said he doesn't like to give out his number (AFTER I BOUGHT YOU A DRINK?! LOL), so I put my phone in front of him open so that he could input his own data at anytime during the conversation (and hopefully his name), so he kept on looking across the bar making faces like he knew somebody there, and I'm really sure what that was about, and rest assured I asked, and he was like nothing, but I can read faces and body language like an expert, its why I'm so popular. Looking back on it now, something wasn't right, but doop doop. So as I was talking to this dude, a group of older gentleman appeared at my right flank tryin to get my attention, so being the nice guy that we all know I am, I entertained the group, and they had one white guy in there crew that between pop, lock, and dropping it was straight grillin' me (it needed to stop). So meanwhile, I'm talking to D-té on my left and then these older guys to my right were whispering about how cute I looked (dead ass... THIS WAS A WONDERFUL EVENING), and specifically they were trying to talk their friend Danny into talking to me, and in the darkness of the bar and my state of inebriation Danny didn't look that bad (he had a nice smile), so I turned to Danny (I know rude, since I was tryna run my game to the dude on my left, but that's swagga, the ability to run game on all fronts LOL), so Danny was like "how old are you?", I replied "22", and in college years thats old, so thought I was so mature, and then Danny was like, "aww you're a baby, I'm 33", but he looked mad young though, so props to the older folks who "preserve their sexy", so we exchanged contacts (and he was trying to get my to go to Club Liv too), but then another older guy tried to get at me, and I was like oh I'm sorry this is my boyfriend (pointing to the D-té), so the older guy asks D-té if that was true, and he was like "yeah". I was like we've been together for about a year and a half now (LOL), so then D-té and I started forming this elaborate story of how we met through a friend from college, and how we had a strong relationship (seriously we had comedic chemistry, which is the best type of chemistry 'cause that means you get me). Then D-té was like I saw you getting that number, you seem like a "player", and I was like , 1) is the word player still in? 2) who me? I'm not a player, I'm just a nerd who studies and can't get a guy to look twice at me. So he replied "well, you're mad cute, and I like a nerd"; so after a little more conversation, he was indicated it was getting late, and he was right I had to be up by 8:30a for the Model AU conference, so I we both stumbled to the bathroom and peed (in separate stalls), meanwhile this lil shorty bop tried to talk to me in the bathroom, and was like "sup, cutie", and I replied, "Hi, is tryna get some dick while one urinates, hot in the streets right now?", and he said, "oh I'm sorry shawty" and he proceeded to exit the bathroom post haste.

So D-té and I stumble down the narrow stairs and out the bar, and then I was like hot damn, ths this is the skinny dude with his booty overflowing his jeans from when I entered the bar hours ago (what were the chances... it was like it was meant to be). So then we exit and I was looking for a cab, and he was like I could drive you back to your hotel. So I was like ok, and then I'm like wait, "Are you sure you can drive in this state?" (don't ever ask this question of a drunk person everyone, they will just say yes, just take the keys)... I responded, "Ok". Then we walked up to a silver Toyota Yaris that he said he was renting 'cause his car was getting fixed, so we drove while talking and laughing from the bar on DuPont to my hotel in Thomas Circle, which was like 5 minutes away as it turns out. So then we pull up to the hotel and he parks across the street (this dude can drive wonderfully under the influence). Then we start talking, and I'm still trying to get his number, and then he's like give me your number, so I do (I got played 'cause this dude never called *tear*). So he was talking about how he didn't want to get involved with someone long distance, and I'm like but I'm gonna be moving here in a couple months anyways, and then I moved closer to him while he was talking that bullsh*t, and I took his chin turned his face to mine and we started kissing (AND OMFG, IT WAS LIKE THE WORLD WAS EXPLODING AROUND, like that scene from Watchmen when Night Owl and Silk Spectre are kissing while a nuclear explosion was happening... if you haven't already check out Watchmen). I've never had kissing chemistry with somebody like that in my life, it was like our bodies knew each in another life, so then I went down to his neck and gently kissed him right under his earlobe, and moved down while spelling his cologne, while he whispered in my ear, "I want you so much". Then he proceeded to sucking my neck (AND I WAS LIKE OH NO, I"M GONNA HAVE A HICKEY TOMORROW), but I let him continue, and it felt so good, then he began to unzip my jeans, as I took off his hoodie (meanwhile people where walking by the Yaris, looking in, and I didn't give a fuck)... GRAPHIC CONTENT ALERT: He was like, "I don't know if you can handle me, and then he pulled out my "you know what", and he said, "damn, maybe you can" (I FELT REAL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF), and then he proceeding to... Needless to say, we did some stuff in that rental, that Avis would not condone (LOL), and I'll say this, our sexual chemistry was like whoa. So I stumbled out the car pants still undone, never to see my mystery dude again, and as I entered the hotel, the whole Colgate crew was down in the f*cking lobby, like "Where have you been?"

UPDATE: I THINK I FOUND THE MYSTERY DUDE ON FACEBOOK, BUT HE WON'T RESPOND TO MY MESSAGES OR FRIEND REQUESTS, SO MAYBE I SHOULD CHALK IT UP TO A ONE NIGHT STAND AND CALL IT A DAY... DOOP DOOP.

Entry # 2 Closed

Check back in for the end of this story, I promise its good.

Preview
Next: DC Chronicles - U Street: Find out about the crazy lady at Creme.
Then: DC Chronicles - The Mill: Find out about the so called Mill and the not so straight cabby who interviewed me on the life and times of Michael Jackson.
After that: 'GATE Chronicles - The Summit: Find out about the Community Summit and how something change, but somethings stay the same (Black folk don't know how to act LOL).

This is the first installment of our FAIL post (shout out to failblog.org).

LOL... I know these dudes. Nuff Said.

Lemme not front, I kind of like this dance. I've been practicing in my room; since, I don't have the luxury of a dorm common area. Meanwhile, when they made it drizzle with all that money, all I could think was the things I could buy: chicken and brocolli with white rice lunch special (if I was lucky, I could get some fried wontons with that) or maybe a movie ticket for one or 3 slices of pizza. Oh the possibilities.

Ordinarily, I would absolutely shake my head at something like this, but to be completely honest, its 2.5 times better than Crank That (Soulja Boy).

Kathleen Gilligan Sebelius, the Governor of Kansas, is President Obama's second choice for the 9th United States Health and Human Services Secretary after Tom Daschle was huge life fail.

Kathleen Sebelius is finishing her second term as the very popular Kansas governor, so I suppose she needs a job. To be completely honest, I love this choice, because I think she has the experience and the clout to make the best of Obama's healthcare policy, and Lord knows in a a couple months, I ain't gonna have insurance. Matter of fact, she should be President one day.

I just hope her taxes are right. You know how that is.

Incidentally, while I was boozing it up at a bar in DC on Friday, President Obama was attending the Wizards game; where he did not rout for the home-team, at least not the DC team. The Wizards played the Chicago Bulls, so naturally the President routed for the Chicago crew; here's the thing, he delayed the game for a hot second and I think he may have been the Jinx in Chief (I know its corny, give me a f*cking break...). Nevertheless, the Wizards, who are that great of a team at all, beat the Chicago Bulls 113 to 90. Doop Doop.

Btw, the President is rocking that all black well, all tryna look incognito. I swear that whole White House intern thing ain't looking that bad; finally a sexy President, I Can Believe In (that wasn't as corny lol)

The D.C. Chronicles are recountings of my times in the District of Columbia. Whenever, I'm in town, I never cease to enjoy myself or have some random experiences that absolutely redefine my life for the time being. These won't be so much blog post as stories of one half of the Diabolical Duo.



DC Chronicles - The Fireplace
Friday, February 27, 2009

This day started off frantically. I was in DC for the Model African Union (MAU) conference, and I was chairing a committee and to be completely honest, I didn't know sh*t. So I woke up that morning at like 6am to get dress for the conference that started at 9am, so that I could get my thoughts together and study parliamentary procedure (Are you bored yet?). By the way, groupies and lovers, you're gonna have to get used to the detail of my storytelling style; you'll appreciate it in the end. So anywayz, the committee meeting started off rough, but by the end of the day, I was called out of order by some pale chick representing Sierra Leone*, and I didn't throw the gavel at her, which means that I did a great job.


*Pet Peeve #1: Dumbface - I hate when people make dumb and/or confused faces to make a point. Its not attractive.**

That evening, the Colgate crew and I went to dinner at an Ethiopian restaurant in Adams Morgan (don't know the name; cause I would rep it.) The best damn service ever and the waitress were sweet and the busboy was hot. I was wearing a crisp, white v-neck t-shirt and a black, glossy members only jacket, and I must even admit I looked fuego. So after the dinner, the crew walked to Dupont circle to drink at some okey doke bar, and once we got there I dipped and ran off by myself.**

**Pet Peeve #2: The Henoch - I have a friend who has a pathological addiction to ditching folk. He will just run away, and then turn off his phone. So I hate that. And I did it. LOL.

Then I was on my way down P Street on a mission. I was gonna find a bar for me. And low and behold, The Fireplace was the last bar on the corner of P St. after I had been walking forever. So I kinda circled the place for a bit. Its a ritual, I've been to a number of gay bars in my vast 22 years, but I always get this same nervousness, like my momz is gonna see me and I'm gonna have to explain myself (You all know that feeling). So I walk in and there is a $5 cover charge; that sh*t was exorbitant (that was my drink budget lol). As I enter, there is some skinny black dude with his booty overflowing his jeans, and he was wearing some blue and red striped manties, and they are playing like Madonna or something, and there are a bunch of men of varying ages (40 - 60 years), and I was pissed that I paid $5. They were all looking at me like some alien, so I did Pet peeve #1 (LOL). I went up to the bar ordered a long island ice tea, and I didn't leave a tip, and I asked the bartender when the place closes, and he told me, and then he said something magnificent, there is an upstair where they play "hip-hop". I swear my face must've lit up, and I basically skipped up this narrow ass stairway pasts some dirty bathroom and then it was like a hidden utopia of black gay men. They were playing "Get Me Bodied" by Beyonce, and there was some lil' old black lady with short blond hair doing the "Uh Oh... Uh Oh, Uh Oh, Uh Oh", so I knew I was in the right place. So as I entered the upstairs bar, it was kinda like the room paused for me (LOL... get used to the EGO, groupies and lovers). So I walked to back of the bar and grabbed a seat next to some skinny dark-skinned dude and his lesbian friend (who was gorgeous btw; I was staring at her all night, I had a girl crush for Randi the lesbian). So I ordered a cranberry and vodka from Scott the white bartender (Scott had some hood in him; I'm not even gonna front).

I'm sitting at this bar, and my first inclination was to be depressed, 'cause I missed my booski. But then, I made the life choice to instead look like I was too good for the place, but I'm here so I'd might as well enjoy it. Well lemme tell you, I was kinda like a hit at this bar. I dunno if it was that I was new or that I am "cute as f*ck" (according to one bar patron named Danny). Whatever the case, I was getting hit on left and right. These dudez were intent on getting me drunk and it WORKED. This kinda obese dude came up to me, and I was dancing to something, and he nervously whispered, "Thats ya song, huh?" While I would have ignored him ordinarily, he looked really nervous and I remember that feeling in a past life. So I gave him some time (3.26 minutes to be exact), and he squandered it by asking, "Are you hawaiian?" So I played with him and said yes (LOL). That seemed to make his day. To be completely honest, I don't why I look blasian (black and asian). I suppose (to quote Floetry), "I'm just built like this." Well anywayz, I turned away from him, so then his friend tried to make a go at it (I don't think they know, I noticed this, maybe the first guy was doing recon for the second guy, but whatever. The other guy, Wayne, came up to me with a much better game and he bought me a drink, and he tricked me into giving him my number by saying come to Club Liv, and of course, I didn't know where the hell that was, so he said he'd text me. That n*igga got me, cause he's been texting me recklessly with no reference to the location of the club, so I've just been responding with, "Whose this?" (LOL, I know you the f*ck it is), so that was no bueno. Then the night went on, guys continued to run that game, and I was getting gone. There was a fat dude on the other side of bar getting his from some lil nugget with braids, but that lil nugget kept eyeing me, and I was not tryna start any trouble; so I gave him "the look", and that was that. Some light-skinned dude was going around the bar doing some promotion for camel cigarettes and giving out lighters. So he came up to me to ask me if I was interested in the promotion, so of course, I said yes, this dude was sexy. Then he told me, he needed to scan my ID with some machine he had so while I was looking for my ID, he whispered in my ear, "You're a fine ass brutha." So I took a page from the book of the better half of the Diabolical Duo, and I asked, "Why do you say that?" So he was like, "well look at you, those eyes and those lips." By that time, I couldn't care less if he was stealing my identity with that machine (LOL... he prolly was), I played coy and then my f*ckin ID wouldn't scan, so he gave me the stuff anywayz for "being sexy". This was a good night. Randi the lesbian had an argument with her girlfriend right next to me, and she put her in her place. By this time, the hours had past quickly, and the bar was packed and I was getting tired. As I was about to leave, some guy sat next to me, and he was SO attractive (then again I was drunk), and he kind of reminded me of Noah from the Arc, so I didn't even think twice before saying hello. If you think those other dudes have swagga, you've haven't seen my game yet (LOL j/k). So I said to this dude, "Hello, I'm not hitting on you, but I just wanna know ya name." And then...

Entry # 1 Closed

Check back in for the end of this story, I promise its good.

Preview
Next: DC Chronicles - The Yaris: Find out about the mystery dude from the bar
Then: DC Chronicles - U Street: Find out about the crazy lady at Creme.
Then: DC Chronicles - The Mill: Find out about the so called Mill and the not so straight cabby who interviewed me on the life and times of Michael Jackson.

Got a crush? Don't approach him or her with a Hello. Instead simply yell, "LOOK AT MY PHATTY!" Guaranteed to make them put a ring on it!

Who knew you could get beady bees "Down SOUTH"?!

This sexy little nugget is doing entirely too much. 1) He needs to weed whack that forest he decided to grow down there, and 2) what is going on with his not so grown man underwear? Come on step it up. Matter of fact, he looks like he lost something down there and is intensely searching for some hidden treasure or maybe that's where he hides all those guns. Love T.I. though, keep showing your stuff on stage, I know if I were there, I certainly would not be complaining.

On a side note, peep the outstretched hand, "More Please!" LOL

What she said. "This lil b*tch right here ain't scared of nobody". Please note the music in the background, its "Walk Away" by Paula DeAnda, thats the song right there; "this lil b*tch right here" knows whats good. LMFAO.

Btw, I do not condone the usage of the "n-word" by any white folk whatsoever, but this is funny.